So, we had to let one of our classmates read and critique one story from our final project in my Creative Writing class. The guy who read this said it was one of the funniest and most messed-up things he's ever read.
Take a look if you want, it's only a couple pages long...
Dear Diary,
Sorry I havent written in a while, Ive been really busy lately. Just wait until you hear all the stuff Ive done in the last three days!
So, a couple months ago, me and my best friend Krissy are watching TRL when they announce that in a few weeks, tickets are going on sale for the Justin Timberlake/Christina Aguilera tour, which just happened to be coming right to Easton, which is only like fifteen minutes from my house! Not only that, but Justin Timberlake is totally hot and his songs are great. Christina is cool, too, but I liked her before she was a whore. Me and Krissy swore we were going to see this show no matter what.
So we started saving our allowances and lunch money. Krissy said that buying lunch is dumb anyway since we throw it all back up right afterward anyway. After a few weeks we both had enough money to get front-row seats! We both skipped school so that we could get the tickets on the Internet the second they came out. And guess what? We did! Front row, center, two tickets. I was so excited!
Krissy and me both went out and bought all new wardrobes for the show. The next two weeks, all we talked about was how cool it was going to be.
Three nights before the show, my dad called me into the kitchen. He said that the school had called him and told him and my mom that Krissy and I had skipped school. What a bunch of losers! Then, my dad told me I wasnt allowed to go to the show. I held it together long enough to get out of the room, but after that, I went up to my room and cried for like three hours. I knew I had to see Justin. There was only one thing to do.
That night, at dinner, I poisoned Mom and Dads food as I helped set the table. I had gone to Home Depot earlier in the day and bought a big bottle of the rat poison with the biggest warning label on it. After that, all I had to do was offer to help with dinner, and slip a few drops in their soup. Right before they died, they started spitting blood everywhere, which was really gross, but other than that, it was no biggie. My moms poodle, Fifi, started barking really loud, so I fed her the rest of Mom and Dads dinners and she shut right up. I had already gotten a handsaw out of my dads tool shed earlier that night, so I put on my copy of Justified and started chopping up mom and dad. Blood got everywhere; I thought people stopped bleeding once they died? For some reason, moms tongue was hanging out of her mouth. It was really grossing me out, so I got a pair of scissors and lopped it off. The whole thing was kinda gross, but I kept singing Cry Me a River as loud as I could, and soon enough, Mom and Dad were in small enough pieces to put in garbage bags. I dragged the garbage bags out to the end of the driveway with the rest of the trash, but realized that probably wouldnt be a good idea. Chances were, if I got caught, Id have trouble making it to the concert the next night. I ran out of ideas and got really tired, so I just left the trash bags in the kitchen. That night, I dreamed of Justin, like always.
The next day was the day of the concert! I got up and put on my special outfit that I had bought for that night. I still didnt know what to do with the garbage bags that Mom and Dad were in, so I just left them there in the kitchen. After feeding the dog, I went to Krissys house. She was already wearing that cute wardrobe she had picked out (not as cute as mine, of course) and at about seven oclock, we headed to Easton!
We got our seats right up front and at eight, Christina started her show. There were two or three guys in the crowd who seemed to like it, but the rest of us were just thinking, wheres Justin? In the middle of Fighter, Christinas boob fell out of her top. Me and Krissy started laughing, but then we realized that that was supposed to happen, since the other one fell out not too long after that.
Then it was finally time for The Man! I thought Justin was cute on TV, but oh my God! He is so much prettier in person! Krissy and me were only like twenty feet away from him the whole time! I swear he looked right at me during one song. I decided right there and then that I had to get backstage.
After the show, Krissy and me went to the backstage area, which was blocked by a bald guy who was shorter than me. We begged him to let us backstage, and he said there was only one way we were getting back there. Krissy said shed handle it and they disappeared for about fifteen minutes. I guess she had to find an ATM and give him some cash or something. When he came back, he let us right in!
The backstage area was huge! There were so many doors, we didnt know if wed ever find Justins room! We knocked on one door and Christina answered it. We asked her where Justin was and she said she didnt know. We tried to leave, but she kept talking, telling Krissy how hot she was. She had a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand and she kept stumbling into us. When she tried to make out with Krissy, we ran away.
Just when we thought it was hopeless, we found a door at the end of a long hall with a gold star on it. We knocked once and there was no answer, so I opened the door. There, on a big red couch, was Justin with two of his dancers, both guys. They were doing some really gross stuff to each other and Krissy and I left the room as quickly as we went in. It was really disappointing to see Justin doing stuff like that, but I guess thats what famous people have to do sometimes. Im still convinced that he and I will be married one day.
Krissy and I got home around 11:00. I said goodbye and went home. When I got to my house, I saw three cop cars in the front yard. I got out, went around back, and asked one of the cops there what was going on. He said we had to go over by his car and talk. As we walked by, I looked in the front yard and saw some pieces of Mom and Dad all over the yard, half buried. Fifi walked past us, her face covered in dirt and blood. I had forgotten about the stupid doggy door on our back door. According to the police officer, she had ripped open the bags and dragged the pieces out into the back to bury them. Oh, and she ate some of the meat off of them, too.
Needless to say, they put me in jail right away and my lawyer says Im probably going to be gone for a long time. Im probably going to be writing to you on toilet paper for a little while, but my cellmate said she could get me some paper if I can sneak her in forty cigarettes. Dont even ask how I have to sneak them in! Barf!
My lawyer acted really confused when I told him why I did what I did, but it still makes sense to me. I mean, I saw Justin Timberlake live, and almost got to meet him! I would do it all again if I could see J.T. again!
Well, I need to get some sleep now because my hearing is tomorrow. The lawyer is going to plead insanity, even though Im not insane. Ive got my fingers crossed!
Yours truly,
Diana Charles
Inmate #304958
Take a look if you want, it's only a couple pages long...Dear Diary,
Sorry I havent written in a while, Ive been really busy lately. Just wait until you hear all the stuff Ive done in the last three days!
So, a couple months ago, me and my best friend Krissy are watching TRL when they announce that in a few weeks, tickets are going on sale for the Justin Timberlake/Christina Aguilera tour, which just happened to be coming right to Easton, which is only like fifteen minutes from my house! Not only that, but Justin Timberlake is totally hot and his songs are great. Christina is cool, too, but I liked her before she was a whore. Me and Krissy swore we were going to see this show no matter what.
So we started saving our allowances and lunch money. Krissy said that buying lunch is dumb anyway since we throw it all back up right afterward anyway. After a few weeks we both had enough money to get front-row seats! We both skipped school so that we could get the tickets on the Internet the second they came out. And guess what? We did! Front row, center, two tickets. I was so excited!
Krissy and me both went out and bought all new wardrobes for the show. The next two weeks, all we talked about was how cool it was going to be.
Three nights before the show, my dad called me into the kitchen. He said that the school had called him and told him and my mom that Krissy and I had skipped school. What a bunch of losers! Then, my dad told me I wasnt allowed to go to the show. I held it together long enough to get out of the room, but after that, I went up to my room and cried for like three hours. I knew I had to see Justin. There was only one thing to do.
That night, at dinner, I poisoned Mom and Dads food as I helped set the table. I had gone to Home Depot earlier in the day and bought a big bottle of the rat poison with the biggest warning label on it. After that, all I had to do was offer to help with dinner, and slip a few drops in their soup. Right before they died, they started spitting blood everywhere, which was really gross, but other than that, it was no biggie. My moms poodle, Fifi, started barking really loud, so I fed her the rest of Mom and Dads dinners and she shut right up. I had already gotten a handsaw out of my dads tool shed earlier that night, so I put on my copy of Justified and started chopping up mom and dad. Blood got everywhere; I thought people stopped bleeding once they died? For some reason, moms tongue was hanging out of her mouth. It was really grossing me out, so I got a pair of scissors and lopped it off. The whole thing was kinda gross, but I kept singing Cry Me a River as loud as I could, and soon enough, Mom and Dad were in small enough pieces to put in garbage bags. I dragged the garbage bags out to the end of the driveway with the rest of the trash, but realized that probably wouldnt be a good idea. Chances were, if I got caught, Id have trouble making it to the concert the next night. I ran out of ideas and got really tired, so I just left the trash bags in the kitchen. That night, I dreamed of Justin, like always.
The next day was the day of the concert! I got up and put on my special outfit that I had bought for that night. I still didnt know what to do with the garbage bags that Mom and Dad were in, so I just left them there in the kitchen. After feeding the dog, I went to Krissys house. She was already wearing that cute wardrobe she had picked out (not as cute as mine, of course) and at about seven oclock, we headed to Easton!
We got our seats right up front and at eight, Christina started her show. There were two or three guys in the crowd who seemed to like it, but the rest of us were just thinking, wheres Justin? In the middle of Fighter, Christinas boob fell out of her top. Me and Krissy started laughing, but then we realized that that was supposed to happen, since the other one fell out not too long after that.
Then it was finally time for The Man! I thought Justin was cute on TV, but oh my God! He is so much prettier in person! Krissy and me were only like twenty feet away from him the whole time! I swear he looked right at me during one song. I decided right there and then that I had to get backstage.
After the show, Krissy and me went to the backstage area, which was blocked by a bald guy who was shorter than me. We begged him to let us backstage, and he said there was only one way we were getting back there. Krissy said shed handle it and they disappeared for about fifteen minutes. I guess she had to find an ATM and give him some cash or something. When he came back, he let us right in!
The backstage area was huge! There were so many doors, we didnt know if wed ever find Justins room! We knocked on one door and Christina answered it. We asked her where Justin was and she said she didnt know. We tried to leave, but she kept talking, telling Krissy how hot she was. She had a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand and she kept stumbling into us. When she tried to make out with Krissy, we ran away.
Just when we thought it was hopeless, we found a door at the end of a long hall with a gold star on it. We knocked once and there was no answer, so I opened the door. There, on a big red couch, was Justin with two of his dancers, both guys. They were doing some really gross stuff to each other and Krissy and I left the room as quickly as we went in. It was really disappointing to see Justin doing stuff like that, but I guess thats what famous people have to do sometimes. Im still convinced that he and I will be married one day.
Krissy and I got home around 11:00. I said goodbye and went home. When I got to my house, I saw three cop cars in the front yard. I got out, went around back, and asked one of the cops there what was going on. He said we had to go over by his car and talk. As we walked by, I looked in the front yard and saw some pieces of Mom and Dad all over the yard, half buried. Fifi walked past us, her face covered in dirt and blood. I had forgotten about the stupid doggy door on our back door. According to the police officer, she had ripped open the bags and dragged the pieces out into the back to bury them. Oh, and she ate some of the meat off of them, too.
Needless to say, they put me in jail right away and my lawyer says Im probably going to be gone for a long time. Im probably going to be writing to you on toilet paper for a little while, but my cellmate said she could get me some paper if I can sneak her in forty cigarettes. Dont even ask how I have to sneak them in! Barf!
My lawyer acted really confused when I told him why I did what I did, but it still makes sense to me. I mean, I saw Justin Timberlake live, and almost got to meet him! I would do it all again if I could see J.T. again!
Well, I need to get some sleep now because my hearing is tomorrow. The lawyer is going to plead insanity, even though Im not insane. Ive got my fingers crossed!
Yours truly,
Diana Charles
Inmate #304958
