We need a "Cool Story, Bro!" subforum! Anyway, my offering. Too good not to share. Scallops, right? You know how you catch them recreationally? Bay scallops, not ocean. You get in water about waist to neck deep, in the weeds, with a dive bag with you. You brush the grass aside and look for the scallops. They're not like oysters, they're mobile. They migrate into the grass during a certain time of the year. It's pretty cool, cause you get see all kinds of cool wildlife in their environment. Stingrays, crabs, horseshoe crabs, baby sharks, etc. Of course, being half redneck, beer is definitely involved. Anyway, we had decided to go scalloping. I was about 12 or 13. My father was driving the boat. My uncle, myself, a few family friends would do the actual gathering. My father parks the boat and over the side we go, floating on our stomachs, looking down and breathing through our snorkels looking for patches of scallops and likely areas. Anyway, my uncle runs across a big patch of them. He starts harvesting them...then runs out of room in his divebag. He looks up...he's about 100 yards away from the boat. He's afraid he won't find the patch so easily again, or he's lazy....he starts stuffing them down his suit. Suddenly he rears up, spitting out the snorkel, screaming "They got me! They FUCKING GOT ME!". My father picks up a paddle (it was a pontoon boat with an engine, but it's always smart to have 3 or 4 paddles handy just in case). My father is looking for a small shark...a barracuda...something. He figures that something is attacking him. My father starts the boat and gets it over next to my uncle. By this time my uncle is pointing at this shorts, screaming. The rest of us have gotten over to the scene and in the boat, and haul him up into it. My father is still yelling "What bit you in the dick??!" My uncle drops his shorts, and right there is 3 scallops hanging off of his sack, and one hanging off the tip of his dick. One of the family friends (half drunk) whips out a K-Bar knife and slurs "I'll gets them". My uncle punched him and said if he got near his dick with that knife he'd cram the scallops up his ass. My father, sober, says "Well, Charlie. We could take you to the hospital. But let me tell you. They're going to call every single nurse within a 3 block radius to come and look at this shit". My uncle wound up over the next 30-45 minutes, sitting on a bench seat on the boat very carefully prying them off with an oyster knife (a dull knife, but heavy duty. Think of a thick butter knife). My uncle NEVER lived this story down.