Alastair: Capitalism (Deuteronomy/Dollar$)*

[Abishai100]

This is a capitalism-parody bank robbery 'ode' inspired by The Real McCoy.

It's dedicated to President Donald Trump (whom I've started to cheer)!

Cheers,






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Alastair was a handsome Ivy League student pressured to go to medical school. In his junior year, Alastair travelled to California on an exchange-program and instantly fell in love with the West Coast. Alastair befriended hippies out in southern California who showed him the euphoria of night-time beach parties by the bonfire. Alastair even experimented with marijuana cigarettes and enjoyed 'hashish-brownies.' The young man thought he was in heaven. However, Alastair then realized he had to organize his goals and return to the East Coast and try to complete his studies (and hopefully graduate on time!).

Alastair returned to his school (Dartmouth College) for his senior year and worked diligently to complete his Psychology degree and hopefully gain admission into a second-tier medical school (perhaps in Canada!). Alastair studied and studied and tried to forget his 'time in heaven' (his one-year exchange-program in California). Alastair knew if he got the right grades, he could manage a nice 3.0 GPA and hopefully get accepted to the Canadian medical school he chose. His wealthy and stern parents would be thrilled, and Alastair could begin his life (as a practicing general physician).

Alastair graduated and went to Europe for his summer vacation. He had obtained admission into the University of Toronto's medical program and was scheduled to start his medical education that autumn. Alastair wanted to enjoy his European vacation as long as he could, so he planned to tour Spain, Austria, France, Italy, and Belgium before heading to Toronto in late August. It was only the first week of June, so Alastair had a grand time travelling around Europe. He took advantage of his nifty Eurorail-pass and felt like he was seeing everything! He even met a beautiful female Spanish traveller (a college graduate herself!) named Penelope and courted a 'summer affair' with her.

Alastair was now staring at the calendar in his hotel room in Belgium. Penelope had already returned home, so Alastair was now alone for this final leg of his European summer vacation, which ended up being very very sweet. Alastair felt like he had done what he wanted to do before beginning his medical education at the University of Toronto. It was now late July, and Alastair wanted to report to his medical school dorm in the second week of August. Alastair looked at his calendar again and realized his medical career was about to 'kick off.' Just when Alastair felt like he was being mature and sane, something in him snapped.

Alastair detested the notion of becoming a doctor. It was not something he wanted to do after all, but he never confided this uncomfortable truth to his parents (or even to his mother whom Alastair was very close with!). Alastair now felt something deep in his heart, something that told him he was about to make a colossal mistake by simply deciding to plunge headlong into a medical career which was simply an anathema to him privately. Alastair stared at his calendar and realized what he had to do to escape his life and change it and therefore rewrite his fate/destiny. Alastair decided he would rob a very big bank in Europe and then flee to Santorini (Greece) where he would spend his days hiding and painting(!).

Alastair scrolled through the Internet, searching for the right bank to rob. He knew it'd have to be bank that would be special to his 'psyche' (so he'd feel he had done something 'incredible' enough to spiritually 'escape' the overwhelming reality of having to choose a profession completely undesirable to him --- medicine!). Alastair found the perfect bank --- it was a brand new 'monument' of a bank in Switzerland, complete with metallic columns and glass and a giant central lobby. It was called the Credit-Suisse Diamond. Alastair fashioned himself a clown outfit and purchased a gun on the black market in Berlin (Germany) and headed to Geneva (Switzerland).

ALASTAIR: Aren't you even impressed I tried to pull of this Euro-caper?
POLICEMAN: I'm a policeman, Alastair; you were headed to medical school...
ALASTAIR: What can I tell you, officer; I had to escape!
POLICEMAN: So you chose a childish robbery-plan instead of becoming a doctor?
ALASTAIR: Is that so ridiculous?
POLICEMAN: Yes! It is. We need responsible college graduates in this modern world.
ALASTAIR: Are you kidding? This 'modern world' is a giant casino (i.e., Wall Street).
POLICEMAN: That's not true, young man. I'm so disappointed in your stunt.
ALASTAIR: How'd I know I'd be caught; I was two steps out of the bank...
POLICEMAN: Yes; and you disarmed the alarms and tied up the 2 guards.
ALASTAIR: I pretended to be a performance-clown making a Trump-PR ad.
POLICEMAN: And everyone in the bank believed you; you were on your way out...
ALASTAIR: With over $40 million in my two large duffel-bags. It was beautiful(!).
POLICEMAN: It was a horror-show; thank goodness I was on the way in.
ALASTAIR: Yeah; you stopped me right as I was about to exit.
POLICEMAN: I recognized the entire 'PR-stunt' and handcuffed you immediately.
ALASTAIR: I met this beautiful Spanish woman named Penelope during my vacation.
POLICEMAN: Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy National Lampoon's European Vacation in your cell!
ALSTAIR: Alright; so I'll languish in prison watching movies; but I did try to escape doom.
POLICEMAN: I wonder what capitalism-writers will say about you, young man...
ALASTAIR: They'll call me 'The European Clown.'
POLICEMAN: Capitalism's brain will outlast the 'limericks' of bank robbers!
ALASTAIR: Maybe...

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{The Bank}