Ahh, the irish!...

Discussion in 'Humor' started by froggy, Mar 15, 2011.

  1. froggy
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    froggy Gold Member

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    A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London.

    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

    The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He said in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


    The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said,"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice".
     
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  2. Valerie
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    Valerie Gold Member

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    An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, ‘Sure it’s up to yourself, but wouldn’t you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they’ll be fresh and cold.’
    ‘Nah…’ your man says, ‘ I’m preferrin’ that ye bring ‘em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I’m here. We agreed before we split up that we’d drink to each other’s honour this way.’

    ‘Well,’ says the bartender, ‘that’s a grand thing to do, all right. I’ll bring the pints as you ask.’

    Well, time goes on and your man’s peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, ‘Here’s your pints… and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?’

    The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

    ‘Oh, no, no, no! ‘Tis nothing like that. You see, I’ve given up drinking for Lent…’




    :beer:
     
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  3. Valerie
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    Valerie Gold Member

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    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land– one, two, three– in each of the pints.

    The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another…

    The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

    The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting ‘Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!’





    [​IMG]
     
  4. Valerie
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    Valerie Gold Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  5. Valerie
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    Valerie Gold Member

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    :lol:




    [​IMG]
     
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  6. Valerie
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    Valerie Gold Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  7. Blagger
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    Paddy asks Murphy, 'why do scuba divers fall off their boat backwards?' To which Murphy replies: 'You thick twat, Paddy. If they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat'.


    Paddy and Murphy miss the last bus home and decide to walk.They reach the bus depot and Paddy says: 'We'll steal a bus and drive it home'. He sends Murphy to steal a bus while he stands guard. After twenty minutes there's no sign of Murphy, so he shouts to Murphy,'what's going on?'. Murphy replies: 'I can't find a number 7'. Paddy replies: 'Well get a number nine and we'll walk from the roundabout.'
     
  8. Valerie
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    Valerie Gold Member

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    Sea of Guinness


    [​IMG]
    Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning fishing boat. While stumbling through the boats provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

    To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean turn into Guinness! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

    Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2011
  9. Momanohedhunter
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    God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.
     
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  10. Valerie
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    :lol:




    [​IMG]
     

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