- Feb 12, 2007
- 59,384
- 24,018
- 2,290
Another Iowahawk Classic:
Yo brosephus, what's crackalackin' with the booty smackin'? Longtime no fatwa. Like what's it been, 5 years? Yeah, I know, I got a whole inbox full of emails from you infidel fags all like, "yo Zark, holla at a playa, how's that paradise shit workin' out witchu?" And by the way, you can stop sending me them stupid LOLgoat pictures, I seen 'em all. Listen chump, Zarkman ain't got time for your internet jibber jabber, or twitter twatter, or whatever that latest earth shit is. And stop asking me to friend you up on FagBook to play MafiaWars or Cowville and all that gayass computer shit. Yo cuzz, Zarkman gots bigger problems.
Let me help you out son: this paradise resort is a straightup kick in the dick. I ain't playin' with you holmes, this shithole is worse than the Ramadi Inn during Taliban convention week. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be Allah's own 5-Diamond eternal reward getaway, peace be upon him, blah blah blah. But for fuck sake, can't he afford to hire a better staff? Look, Zarkman don't like to bitch, but if these fuckers don't give me a room upgrade real soon I got half a mind to drop them a nasty rating on Priceline.
Yeah, I got all the brochures. The all-you-can-eat buffet, the beach volleyball, the 24-hour poontang room service. But every time I ask about it, that fat sunburned asshole desk manager Lou is all like, "oh, I'm sorry Mister Zarqawi, that part of the property is currently under repairs." And then he starts laughing again like some damn idiot and stabs me right in the nutsack with a frickin' pitchfork. Customer service, my ass. Even the fire alarms don't work in this dump.
....
Where was I - yeah, the overcrowding. Instead of finding vacancies in some other resort for all these overbooked new assholes, you know what the management does? They fucking make us room up with them, even though the contract specifically says "private accomodations w/ shared foot washing facilities." For reals, just the other day even I got a new roommate. On Tuesday the bellhop let him into the room just as I'm cleaning up the sulfur from my AM prom date. So I'm like, "WTF, man? Didn't you see the Do Not Disturb sign?" And the bellhop just gives me the finger with his tail and says, "say hello to your new eternal bunkmate." And then the mouthy little fucker holds out his cloven hoof like I'm supposed to pay him a tip! When I refused the asshole dick-punched me and slammed the cage door.
So I'm bent over from the dick punch, and I look up at the new roomie and he's kind of mumbling quietly. Maybe because half his face was shot off. Big tall muthafucker with a ZZ-Top beard full of seawead and shit, and a swordfish spike through his head. So I'm like, "what you looking at, no-face?" and laid him out with another dick punch.
...
iowahawk: This New Roommate is Driving Me Nuts
Yo brosephus, what's crackalackin' with the booty smackin'? Longtime no fatwa. Like what's it been, 5 years? Yeah, I know, I got a whole inbox full of emails from you infidel fags all like, "yo Zark, holla at a playa, how's that paradise shit workin' out witchu?" And by the way, you can stop sending me them stupid LOLgoat pictures, I seen 'em all. Listen chump, Zarkman ain't got time for your internet jibber jabber, or twitter twatter, or whatever that latest earth shit is. And stop asking me to friend you up on FagBook to play MafiaWars or Cowville and all that gayass computer shit. Yo cuzz, Zarkman gots bigger problems.
Let me help you out son: this paradise resort is a straightup kick in the dick. I ain't playin' with you holmes, this shithole is worse than the Ramadi Inn during Taliban convention week. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be Allah's own 5-Diamond eternal reward getaway, peace be upon him, blah blah blah. But for fuck sake, can't he afford to hire a better staff? Look, Zarkman don't like to bitch, but if these fuckers don't give me a room upgrade real soon I got half a mind to drop them a nasty rating on Priceline.
Yeah, I got all the brochures. The all-you-can-eat buffet, the beach volleyball, the 24-hour poontang room service. But every time I ask about it, that fat sunburned asshole desk manager Lou is all like, "oh, I'm sorry Mister Zarqawi, that part of the property is currently under repairs." And then he starts laughing again like some damn idiot and stabs me right in the nutsack with a frickin' pitchfork. Customer service, my ass. Even the fire alarms don't work in this dump.
....
Where was I - yeah, the overcrowding. Instead of finding vacancies in some other resort for all these overbooked new assholes, you know what the management does? They fucking make us room up with them, even though the contract specifically says "private accomodations w/ shared foot washing facilities." For reals, just the other day even I got a new roommate. On Tuesday the bellhop let him into the room just as I'm cleaning up the sulfur from my AM prom date. So I'm like, "WTF, man? Didn't you see the Do Not Disturb sign?" And the bellhop just gives me the finger with his tail and says, "say hello to your new eternal bunkmate." And then the mouthy little fucker holds out his cloven hoof like I'm supposed to pay him a tip! When I refused the asshole dick-punched me and slammed the cage door.
So I'm bent over from the dick punch, and I look up at the new roomie and he's kind of mumbling quietly. Maybe because half his face was shot off. Big tall muthafucker with a ZZ-Top beard full of seawead and shit, and a swordfish spike through his head. So I'm like, "what you looking at, no-face?" and laid him out with another dick punch.
...
iowahawk: This New Roommate is Driving Me Nuts
