A week at the gym

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Colin, May 12, 2010.

  1. Colin
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    Colin Gold Member

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    Dear Diary:

    For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
    personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
    shape since playing in the University football team 25 years ago, I decided
    it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
    Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
    model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

    The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


    MONDAY:

    Started my day at 6 am.

    Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived
    at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something
    of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
    white smile.

    Woo Hoo!!!!!

    She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
    my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
    aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
    her aerobics class after my workout today.

    Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
    my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

    This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


    TUESDAY:

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
    and then she put weights on it!

    My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
    Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

    I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


    WEDNESDAY:

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
    the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
    I have a hernia in both pectorals Driving was okay as long as I didn't
    try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
    screams bothered the other club members.

    Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds,
    she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
    stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
    an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
    me get in shape and enjoy life.

    She said some other !censored! too.


    THURSDAY:

    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
    her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
    a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
    I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
    punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


    FRIDAY:

    I hate that fucking Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
    any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
    little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move
    without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

    And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fucking
    barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
    Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
    choir director?


    SATURDAY:

    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
    shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
    her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

    However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
    ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


    SUNDAY:

    I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
    and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
    my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
    ----- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
     
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  2. Baruch Menachem
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    Baruch Menachem '

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    no pain, no gain
     
  3. Granny
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    Granny Gold Member

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  4. Mr.Fitnah
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    Mr.Fitnah Dreamcrusher

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    Her real name is Zuzana

    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bMteFx8LbM&feature=channel]YouTube - Fitness - Fast Death Workout[/ame]
     
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  5. Big Black Dog
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    Big Black Dog Gold Member Supporting Member

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    Be very careful here. Could be the wife is trying to kill you. Review your insurance policies...
     
  6. editec
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    editec Mr. Forgot-it-All

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    LOL!

    You what I think the real name for gym workouts ought to be?

    ARTIFICAL WORK.
     
  7. ekrem
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    ekrem VIP Member

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    You don't do sports everyday with 40. Sorry, it is not meant as personal attack.
    You might feel great, but you peaked in testosterone production and therefore natural capabilities of fast regeneration.
    If you do not have vast overweight that effects health, there is no reason for sports in "marathon"-philosophy.
    Keep it simple and steadily, constant.

    Leave that sit-ups and other none-sense, there is no local fat-burning and sit-ups are no stress for your body. Now is summer, make some garden work, even if there is nothing to do in the garden. Take steps instead of elevator.
     
  8. Colin
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    Colin Gold Member

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    My kind of : MEDICAL ADVICE

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
    is: No Pain...Good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

    AND...... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

    It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    Americans.
    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
     
  9. Colin
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    Colin Gold Member

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    An obviously overweight young man decided to sign up
    for a weight loss program complete with a personal trainer.
    It included a run each morning at 6:00 a.m. So when the
    door bell rings the next morning, he's dressed and ready to go.
    When he opens the door he sees the most beautiful blonde he has
    ever seen. She's tall, very well endowed above a very slim waist
    with long graceful legs. She's dressed in a small pair of running
    shorts and a running halter that can barely contain her. She smiles
    and says, 'If you can catch me, you can kiss me.' and starts off at a very
    fast run. This continues each morning. After about three very frustrating
    weeks the young man begins to get in shape and can almost keep up with
    her. One morning he's barely able to touch her running shorts but can't
    hang on. But he thinks tomorrow will be the big day. I'll catch her and have her.
    He barely sleeps that night waiting in eager anticipation. The next morning,
    the bell rings precisely at 6:00 am. He runs to the door and throws it open.
    There stands a huge burly woman, at least six feet five inches in height
    and over 250 pounds. She's muscled up like a cart horse and has a large
    wart amid her facial hair. She smiles and says, 'I'm your new trainer.
    If I can catch you, I can kiss you!'
     
  10. instyle
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    instyle Rookie

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    I liked the Fast Death Workout, gonna try it :p
     

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