A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock." His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon." His son quite naturally said, ``Sure why not.'' The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee thid, and thacramento ith?" The police officer didn't reply at all. The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, "Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can a double positive form a negative." A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, right...." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero. The Sergeant bellows, "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you (deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!" The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers, "LOOSEN RANKS!" The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands. "No, SIR!" the recruit shouts. "Why not?" barks the Captain. "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!" The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?" "No, SIR!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!" Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?" "No, SIR!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??" "Somersaults." "Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?" "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight. Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman?" She never even moves.