Some years ago, my wife and I accompanied a couple on a trip in their motor home. We decided to make a side trip into Montreal. I was driving as we approached the border checkpoint. There, two officials of the female persuasion gave us the usual interrogation. They directed me to shut the engine down, which I did. A moment later, somewhat irritated, she told me to shut the engine down again. I was momentarily puzzled, verified that the engine was off, then it dawned on me that the generator was running. I attempted to explain this to her, but she was not in a listening mood, so I shut off the generator. Well, of course that killed the airconditioners and, since it was over 90 degrees outside, the temperature in the motor home quickly climbed into the cookie baking range. One of the guards asked me a whole lot of questions. Among them, she asked me if we had any weapons, I responded that we did not. After a number of other silly questions, she again asked me if we had any weapons. Hot, sweaty, and by now rather irritated, I responded "NO, unless you count the bazooka." Big mistake. "Pull over to the right please". Crap. They entered the motor home and searched it end to end. The only satisfaction I had was watching them sweat like coal miners. Served them right. After all, they told me to shut down the generator. Anyway, after about a 30 minute search they came up drenched in perspiration, but empty handed. By now I was laughing my ass off and I suppose that didn't help their disposition any. My border crossing experience notwithstanding, I think our northern neighbors are terrific folks. The following might be more appropriate on the humor board, but this board has been getting entirely too serious and I thought the following might lighten things up a bit. Canadian Tourism: These were questions about Canada were actually posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a Canuck, (apparently Canadians are VERY sarcastic!). Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only 4000 miles, take lots of water. . . Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK) A: You are an American politician, right? Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA) A: Only at Thanksgiving. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA) A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.