A history of French Military Victories

Discussion in 'Europe' started by NightTrain, Aug 29, 2003.

  1. NightTrain
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    NightTrain VIP Member

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    So the French still aren't on board with us spanking Iraq. Oh boo hoo. Let's take a look at the mighty French military prowess, shall we?


    Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    The Dutch War - Tied

    War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

    Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France surrenders?"
     
  2. Frog in Rome
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    Obviously 'GOD' does not know that piece of wit has been posted in another place, by Himself!

    No prob!

    1775-1783: The British crown presents a bill to American settlers who must now pay for their protection. Ungrateful settlers who are
    already allergic to taxes go on a rampage and attack tea boxes on a ship; several Americans are wounded in explosions.
    Americans win their sole victory in Saratoga when general Burgoyne realizes that Canadian merchants sold him ragweed instead of tea before his departure. Facing a mutiny he decides to surrender.
    In the following years Americans will lose most of ther battles due to their lack of discipline and massive desertions. In 1781, 30,000 French soldiers & sailors accept to integrate 11,000 American mascots who
    will play music from afar while the French win the Battle of Yorktown.
    1812: The American army is crushed trying to invade Canada and abandons annexation plans.
    During the 19 the century, several raids are led against Indian women and babies with the US troops achieving some victories, but fail in their effort to ethnically cleanse the Indians. Nevertheless, some sucessful slaughters will lead them to believe that they are mighty and couragous warriors.
    1861-1865: Americans win an impressive victory against themselves but it took a while. The Civil War as it comes to be called, will turn out to be the only war Americans ever win. Mind you they beat themselves, but why digress.
    1898: The Spanish succeed a master coup and get rid of Cuba, Puerto Rico, and the Philippines at the expense of the Americans,
    leaving them the impression that they won the war. Soon the US discovers that there is no oil there, and that their new possessions are
    a wastebasket, more than anything else.
    1900-1950: A series of military interventions against banana republics in South America and the Caribbean against people armed with slingshots and spears has a beneficial effect on the American ego.
    1918: The Americans arrive just on time to see the victory of the French and the British against the Germans. They then turn around, and try to claim the high ground by sabotaging the peace treaty and stabbing France in the back when it tries to enforce reparations and prevent Germany from rearming, thus setting the stage for WWII.
    1941-1945: While as many as 20 million Russians die bleeding the Wermacht to death, the US wait until the Germans are left with the Hitler Youth, a childrens' force comprised of 14 year old soldiers to launch their assault. They are still saying today that they suffered heavy loses at their hands. In the whole Normandy Campaign they suffer less casualties than the French did in the first six months of 1940, and inflict less damage on the Germans, yet this is enough for them to claim they liberated Europe. That claim alone is the biggest piece of historical myth in history.
    1950-1953: The US fails to beat North Korea, in 1953 the borders are still roughly what they were three years earlier.
    1963-1973: Americans suffer cruelly from the lack of AC and marijuana of a poor quality in Vietnam. When they realize that their soldiers
    can be killed in a war they retreat.
    1983: The combined aviation, navy and ground troops apply an audacious plan and succeed to beat a bunch of cuban workers armed with shovels in Granada. The celebrations go on for weeks with parades and chants of USA, USA.
    1991: Americans align more soldiers than the French or the British combined and succeed in crushing an army of barefoot shiite drafted against their will who are armed with empty rifles and have barely had a thing to eat in months. But even this so-called victory is hollow as it is actually led by the Daguet division from France which leads the charge while American soldiers console themselves by rounding up prisoners that TV crews did not want.

    2003: Iraq. Need I go on? I think not.
     
  3. 5stringJeff
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    5stringJeff Senior Member

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    Well, why not settle it once and for all? France vs. the US, at a time and place of France's choosing. Hell, we'll even let you launch a surprise invasion... at which point you will see what the right to bear arms will do to an invading army.

    We landed on France's beaches once, we could certainly do it again!
     
  4. NightTrain
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    NightTrain VIP Member

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    I had to read that a couple of times... WOW! You have a talent for writing comedy, have you ever sent in work to a sitcom? I see you're working for the U.N. in Rome, pretty nice gig!

    Now, I just have to ask this... where did you get your historical facts, my bitter little friend?

    Your entire post is bullshit; I just want to verify that you're not joking before I tear it apart for you and make you eat it.
     
  5. eric
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    eric Guest

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    Hey NT,


    Is this guy for real ? Please tell me this post was a joke !
     
  6. eric
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    eric Guest

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    And let me throw in that his facts about the invasion of Germany he must have transposed from some nutty french feel good book. Was he there ? My parents were!
     
  7. NightTrain
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    NightTrain VIP Member

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    LOL

    I just don't know, Eric! I was laughing my ass off the first time I read it!! Hilarious!
     
  8. Frog in Rome
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    The purpose of this post, which came in response to an equally idiotic one by Jimny C about French military history, was to show that when you start being dumb and abusive, we French can easily match you.

    Working for the UN? what made you even think that? Oh yes of course, the UN=French=scumbags, how silly of me to forget.

    Thank you Jimny C for your offer to sling it out army to army, how old are you? win any pissing contests lately? As for first-hand observation of the fate of invaders in a country where everybody and his aunt carry, no need to stage it in Vermont - Iraq does nicely.

    I'll admit to a big mistake - thinking that a message board with 'Where your Voice Counts' as its motto meant anything but a mud-slinging contest. I'll let you guys mutually greasing your shafts and wondering at your supreme wit. Back on the Yahoo MBs where I can bash it out with French bashers with brains and valid points.
     
  9. jimnyc
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    jimnyc ...

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    Why did you move the "c" away from the rest of my name and capitalize it as if it was part of my last name? Is it just the french and canadians that are this dense?

    The US can be abusive toward the french because the french are a bunch of fucking pussies and can't do anything about it. And no, you cannot match us, you are far too stupid.

    Maybe because your IP address is registered to Food and Agriculture Organization of the UN. I'm sure next you'll tell us you are just hacking through their systems to post here. Blah, blah, blah! You fit the role of the french for sure, lying cowardly scumbags!

    This is my first post in this thread, dumbass! reread before commenting next time!

    Yes, go back to the boards where you need only be 12 years old and have AOL access to throw inane jabs at one another. Didn't you say this yesterday too? You came back though, didn't you? LOL

    If WE have no brains, and YOU have all the valid points, please answer the following for me. Prove point by point how the list of french wars above is incorrect, followed by how your list of US wars IS correct. Feel free to leave out rhetoric and utilize strictly facts. Well, I'm waiting, lets see the scorecard!
     
  10. eric
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    eric Guest

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    Hey tadpole,

    Have you ever considered that maybe we take it a little personal when the French stab us in the back? We have no problem with dissent, or nations voicing their opinions, even if different from ours. It is an entirely different scenario when France actively tries to sabotage our efforts to build a coalition, and we feel our security is at risk.

    Many Americans lost loved ones in WWII on your shores, can you not see where animosity could be felt. And if you are as intellectual as you profess, then why even lower yourself, as you have. Why not show your intelligence by telling us why we should not harbor these feelings.

    As far as yahoo MB, if you enjoyed the chaos and ramblings of a bunch of unemployed, unrealistic, liberal losers, and 10-year-old children, please go, you have our blessing
    .
     

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