A brief biography of John F. Kerry

Discussion in 'Politics' started by eric, Mar 9, 2004.

  1. eric

    eric Guest

    A brief biography of John F. Kerry

    1943: Born

    1944: Spoke first words, reported to be "Okay, where all da rich women at?"

    1965: After graduating from Yale, commits to join the Navy, and serves in Vietnam, a subject he's still very shy about bringing up.

    1970: Marries first wife, Judy Thorne, who is worth a reported $300 million. Paul Schrader, who would go on to write "American Gigolo", comes up with an idea.

    1971: During a war protest, throws some of his military decorations onto the steps of the U.S. Capitol, tightly hangs on to wife's purse.

    1976: Works as assistant District Attorney, showing particular interest in studying ways to usurp seemingly iron clad prenuptial agreements.

    1982: Elected to serve as Lieutenant Governor under the expert tutelage of Michael Dukakis.

    1984: Elected to United States Senate, joining the far left-wing of a party occupied by Ted Kennedy and Christopher Dodd, where they compromise nothing, except perhaps the architectural integrity of the tables at the La Brasserie restaurant.

    1988: Kerry's former boss, Michael Dukakis, loses to President George H.W. Bush by a mere 7 million votes.

    1992: Marries Teresa Heinz, heiress to the Heinz family fortune. Ironically, it was only shortly before this that the Reagan Administration said that ketchup was a vegetable. Coincidence? I think not.

    1996: Kerry's pulling down about $135,000 per year as a senator--first and second wife still quite unimpressed.

    2003: Officially announces intention to be President of the United States. Later, finances campaign by selling some of his art collection and borrowing millions of dollars against his half of a house his wife bought. The money will be used to attempt to relate to "working people." Actual "working people" start looking for their art collection and $13 million town houses to sell to pay for food and heat--search ends in disappointment.

    2004: At a rally in Iowa, Ted Kennedy points out Kerry's heroism, telling of the time Kerry saved someone from drowning. The awkward sound of hundreds of people suppressing chuckles fills the room, and Kennedy narrowly dodges a lightning bolt from on high.

    2004: The Drudge Report claims that reporters are working on a story about an alleged affair Kerry had with an intern, who is now in Africa. Could his campaign be doomed if this is true? Could his marriage be on the rocks? It definitely will be, especially if the woman turns out to be from what Teresa Heinz-Kerry calls the "Axis of Evil", which is Del Monte, Hunt's, and whoever makes that "Catsup" stuff.

    John Kerry: Decorated Vietnam veteran, outspoken protester of the war, now proud veteran again.

    John Kerry: Fighter for the "working people" of America, whose mother was a Forbes, his first wife was worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and his current wife is worth over a half a billion dollars. Kerry is familiar with "working", but only at how to marry rich chicks.

    John Kerry: In a 1997 speech on the senate floor, claimed that Saddam Hussein was a threat and must go, and now castigates Bush for getting rid of Hussein.

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