2006 Darwin awards

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Trigg, Jan 14, 2007.

  1. Trigg
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    Trigg Active Member

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    Apparently these people have no branches on their family trees, this is what happens when people come from a gene puddle.

    It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual
    honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service
    by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.


    Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
    toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
    out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST! Read
    on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

    And the nominees were:


    Semifinalist #1
    A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
    because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
    milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
    into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
    burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.


    Semifinalist #2
    Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
    when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
    the occu pants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
    aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
    their pants around their ankles.


    Semifinalist #3
    A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
    octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax
    County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of
    these straps together, wrapped and end around one foot, anchored the
    other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
    pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
    think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length
    of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance
    between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the
    apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."


    Semifinalist #4
    A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
    friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
    The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
    hospitalized.



    Semifinalist #5
    Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
    of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
    extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
    After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
    company were dis patched. Upon entering the building, they found they
    had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
    the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
    technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
    resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
    object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
    three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
    lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
    suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright''
    by his peers.



    Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award
    (awarded, as always, posthumously):

    The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
    embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a
    curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it
    was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police
    investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket
    scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take
    Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
    transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.
    He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long,
    straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO u nit to the car, jumped
    in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

    The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the
    1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0
    miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and
    melted asphalt at that location.

    The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
    within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of
    350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.
    The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces
    usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,
    causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
    However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
    miles (15-20 seconds) before re the driver applied and completely melted
    the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the
    road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
    impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
    crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not
    recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
    extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed
    from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

    Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground
    speed of approximately 420-mph, though m uch of his voyage was not
    actually on the ground.
     
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  2. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    Oh not that the semi-finalists weren't great but reading the last just made me wonder, "Back to the Future?" OMG!
     
  3. manu1959
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    manu1959 Left Coast Isolationist

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    jato is the 1995 winner
    http://darwinawards.com/

    And the 2006 DARWIN AWARD Winner is...

    HIGH ON LIFE: "Take a deep breath..."

    (3 June 2006, Florida) Two more candidates have thrown themselves
    into the running for a Darwin Award. The feet of Jason and Sara,
    both 21, were found protruding from a deflated, huge helium
    advertising balloon. Jason was a college student, and Sara
    attended community college, but apparently their education had
    glossed over the importance of oxygen.

    When one breathes helium, the lack of oxygen in the bloodstream
    causes a rapid loss of consciousness. Some euthanasia experts
    advocate the use of helium to painlessly end one's life.
    The pair pulled down the 8' balloon, and climbed inside. Their
    last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling as they
    slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter.

    Sheriff's deputies said the two were not victims of foul play. No
    drugs or alcohol were found. The medical examiner reported that
    helium inhalation was a significant factor in their deaths. A
    family member said "Sara was mischievous, to be honest. She liked
    fun and it cost her."
     
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  4. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    and for next year:

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070111/od_nm/germany_moles_dc


     
  5. Trigg
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    Trigg Active Member

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  6. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    I think the reason it's called the Darwin award: These people do us all a favor, especially if they fail to add to the gene pool before their demise.

    Seriously, put these along with the reasons for the weird 'warning' lables and one recognizes that some just are not too bright. :eusa_doh:
     

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