2005, The Year of The Great and Powerful Bush

[Annie]

*Satire*

http://americandigest.org/mt-archives/005937.php

The Year in Bushlines

Final Fears Confirmed: Being a Brief Summary of the 2005 High Crimes and Misdemeanors of the Great and Powerful Bush. It's not only worse than you imagine, it's worse than you can imagine.

January 20 - George W. Bush is inaugurated in Washington, D.C. for his second term as 43rd President of the United States, and immediately begins sucking down one to two bottles of wine a night in order to tool up for a year of using his new Godlike superpowers to, dare I say it?, rule the world.

January 25 - Warming up his vast telekinetic powers, Bush, like Mandrake the Magician, gestures mystically at the globe in the White House war room causing a stampede at Mandher Devi temple in Mandhradevi during a religious pilgrimage in India that kills at least 215, mostly women and small children. While doing so he sips a superb Pinot Noir and consumes an entire tin of Altoids to keep his wife in the dark about his comfortable return to his own private alcoholism. "I just can't keep going out to the White House garage after dark," he reflects.

January 30 - After making sure that the fix is in with millions of Iraqis in the form of free Happy Meal coupons, Bush allows the first free Parliamentary elections in Iraq since 1958 take place. To stain the fingers of the electorate purple, Bush orders Francis Ford Coppola to dump thousands of gallons of substandard Merlot in that desert vastness.

February 6 -In a cynical move to prepare the United States to accept an eternal extension of the Patriot Act, Bush causes the New England Patriots to defeat the Philadelphia Eagles 24-21 in the Super Bowl. As his co-wizard-in-waiting, Karl Rove rubs his hands chortling, "This year the people will think anything with the word 'patriot' in it is a winnah."

February 16 - Reflecting that hockey is not only a native sport of Texas but is boring to boot, Bush calls in some markers and makes the National Hockey League cancel its 2004-2005 season. "Who cares," he mumbles while tossing back his sixth 'Wine in a Can,' "it's just more panty-waist figure skating with clubs."

February 22 - Rove and Bush descend in a secret elevator to a vast cavern deep beneath the White House and warm up the G.H.W.B (Global Heavy Whacking Blaster ) to send Iran a message. More than 500 people are killed and over 1,000 injured after entire villages are flattened in an earthquake measuring 6.4 on the Richter scale in Zarand region of Kerman province in southern Iran.

March 14 - Bush sends Condi Rice on a secret mission to the middle east where she hands out coupons for Haliburton's 2004 Cabernet Wine in a Box to the adult population of Lebanon. As a result nearly one million people gather for an opposition rally in Beirut, a month after the death of former Prime Minister Rafik Hariri -- the largest rally in Lebanon history-- and party on.

March 20 - Working through a software glitch in the G.H.W.B (Global Heavy Whacking Blaster ) deep beneath the White House Wine Cellar, Bush and his evil sidekick Karl let it rip and at least 250 people in Japan are injured and at least one killed by when a magnitude 7 earthquake strikes west of Kyushu Island, just 9km (5.5 miles) below the ocean floor. Afterwards Bush text messages the Prime Minister of Japan the message "Cool it with the hybrids, OK?"

March 23 - Fearing even the ghost of a chance of the revelation of a youthful indiscretion, Bush orders the United States' 11th Circuit Court of Appeals to refuse to order the reinsertion of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube. The order comes in a sealed envelope containing Polaroids of the entire 11th Circuit during a naughty weekend at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch along with the ominous message, "There were webcams."

April 2 - Tired of being hectored to be a better man by, as he puts it after his nightly two bottles of wine "That fat old Polack," Bush authorizes a Happy Meal laced with ricin for Pope John Paul II,

April 6 - Recalling a slight during a secret sexy wifeless weekend in Monaco, Bush overnights another Happy Meal to Rainier III of Monaco with predictable results when the Prince exclaims, "What? No apple pie? Oh well."

April 9 - To underscore his public opposition to pregnancy out of wedlock anywhere in the world, Bush forces the royal shotgun wedding of The Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker Bowles. They promise to name their issue, regardless of sex, 'George' as a testimonial to the godlike powers of Bush and not the insane king of England.

April 19 - Bush slips magic chemicals making white smoke into the Vatican to assure his old drinking buddy Joseph Ratzinger is elected Pope Benedict XVI on the second day of the Papal conclave.

...the rest of the year continues at site.

 

[NATO AIR]

thought for a minute this would be about reggie bush.

 

[Annie]

thought for a minute this would be about reggie bush.

I really thought more would read this. Too funny!