The Twelve Days of Christmas DAY ONE: Dearest Bob, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Violet DAY TWO: Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable. My everlasting love, Violet DAY THREE: My Dear Bob, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist-you've been too, too kind. All my love, Violet DAY FOUR: Dear Bob, Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic. Love, Violet DAY FIVE: Dear Bob, What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on my nerves. Affectionately, Violet DAY SIX: Bob, Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightfully so, and it is impossible to sleep through this racket. Now let this be the end of this. Cordially, Violet DAY SEVEN: Bob, What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy. Sincerely, Violet DAY EIGHT: OK Pal!!! WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING? JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS. DAY NINE: LISTEN SHITHEAD!!! YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME. UP YOURS!!! DAY TEN: YOU ROTTEN PRICK!!! NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS "LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG. NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT!!! THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED. I'M CALLING THE POLICE!!! I MEAN IT, BY GOD! DAY ELEVEN: LISTEN FUCKHEAD!!!! NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES." THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND--AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY. THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV. FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU!!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE! MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN DAY TWELVE: LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habershan. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight!