12 days of Christmas (PG rated)

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Merlin1047, Dec 14, 2004.

  1. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    The Twelve Days of Christmas

    DAY ONE:

    Dearest Bob,

    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
    tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
    surprised.

    With deepest love and affection,

    Violet

    DAY TWO:

    Dearest Bob,

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle
    doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too
    adorable.

    My everlasting love,

    Violet

    DAY THREE:

    My Dear Bob,

    Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't
    deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, but I
    must insist-you've been too, too kind.

    All my love,

    Violet

    DAY FOUR:

    Dear Bob,

    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
    beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
    romantic.

    Love,

    Violet

    DAY FIVE:

    Dear Bob,

    What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
    One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you
    the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on my nerves.

    Affectionately,

    Violet

    DAY SIX:

    Bob,

    Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
    actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the birds
    again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep
    them? The neighbors are complaining, rightfully so, and it is impossible to
    sleep through this racket.

    Now let this be the end of this.

    Cordially,

    Violet

    DAY SEVEN:

    Bob,

    What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming?
    What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and
    they never stop with the racket.

    Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.

    Sincerely,

    Violet

    DAY EIGHT:

    OK Pal!!!

    WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
    JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING
    HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND
    BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.

    JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.

    DAY NINE:

    LISTEN SHITHEAD!!!

    YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD
    AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS
    ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE
    STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS HAVE
    STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

    UP YOURS!!!

    DAY TEN:

    YOU ROTTEN PRICK!!!

    NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
    "LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG. NOW
    THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS
    TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT!!!

    THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO
    GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.

    I'M CALLING THE POLICE!!!

    I MEAN IT, BY GOD!

    DAY ELEVEN:

    LISTEN FUCKHEAD!!!!

    NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO
    ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES." THEY TOOK THOSE
    BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND--AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT
    AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY. THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW
    AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED
    PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY
    TV.

    FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED
    TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET
    YOU!!!!

    I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

    MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN

    DAY TWELVE:

    LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY

    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
    drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet
    Monica Habershan. The destruction, of course, was total. All
    correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach
    Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been
    instructed to shoot you on sight!
     
  2. UsaPride
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    UsaPride Senior Member

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    LMAO!!! Too funny!!!
     
  3. Deornwulf
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    Deornwulf Member

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    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
     

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